It's just my brain, not my mind...

Many of you know the battle I have been engaged in the last few years, and some of you may not.  I do not widely share details because I don't want my struggle to become my identity.  There have been times I have felt frustration when meeting up with people who would say "how are you feeling" or "what are the doctors saying," instead of wondering how I am doing as a person, as a mom, as a woman with dreams and emotions and cravings for cold beer and hot wings just like the rest of you.  I am not what happened to me, I am so much more.

That being said, ok, I'll talk about it.  It has been a difficult few years wading through this.  Between stretches of feeling strong and well and brave, there have been cycles of unfathomable weakness, agonizing pain, and joy-stealing defeat.  There have been periods of weeks where I feel like I spend more days sitting in a hospital or doctor's office than I do anywhere else.  All of the testing and trying and  treatments leaving me wondering if I felt worse before the medicine, or after.

Right now, with some questions answered and many remaining, I'm taking a hiatus from the needles and the side effects and the seeing doctors' faces in all my days.  I'm giving my body a chance to respond to some more natural therapies, and cashing the extra time in on the things, well the someones, that I love.  Having to step away from my passion on the ambulance for awhile seemed devastating at first, but experiencing the strengthening in the slowing of time has brought hope to my broken frame, and perspective and empathy to my heart, as well as to the loves caring for me.

There are so many voices willing to extend input and suggestion, and I ask that you please give us the freedom we need to pursue the avenues we have chosen.  There is so much to medicine, and so many possible equations that could be the catalyst to complete healing, but it can be overwhelming, and certainly impossible to try every regimen and procedure that's out there.

When you look at me, please see past my illness...because really, it was there before you even knew to look for it.  Sure, there will be some days harder than others, but I'm still a wife, a mommy, a paramedic, a hemiplegic? Ehh, just makes things more interesting.

I appreciate your prayers as we change gears for awhile, that I would continue to gain strength and energy, relief from pain, and my story would bring glory to the One who chose it for me. 

Please leave me a comment, it lets me know you're listening!

July 14

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." ~Winnie the Pooh

My precious, beautiful Ellianna Grace,

This day has been written in the scars on our hearts.  The fourteenth of July will always remind me that it was the last day I got to smooch your scrumptious cheeks.  I can't help but remember the deafening fear that rose when I saw you slipping away.  That last kiss, last breath, last holding you in my arms.  I still remember the feelings of helplessness, and whispering screaming prayers that you would get to stay.  This day, this beautiful summer day will forever inflame the lasting scars that were torn in my tender heart.  But tucked within what's left, the fourteenth of July is also an Ebeneezer, reminding me of the graciousness of our God in welcoming you into His arms; His healing of your every pain and struggle.  I can celebrate in knowing that you are whole, and well, and safe, and that after all my waiting is done I will get to see you again.  My story is not a story of loss, of heartache, or pain.  It is one of absolute Grace.  Pure blessings.  Answered prayers.

I love you indefinitely, my little girl.  Sometimes I touch the things you used to touch, looking for echoes of your fingers (Iain Thomas).  I long to breathe the essence of you, trace your delicate features, and tie ribbons in your hair.  Someday, my sweet Ells.

I will revel in every joyful memory I have of your precious life, and will live with the purpose you inspired me towards.  Someday I will hold my treasure again, and I am so excited to hear your giggle as I pepper your face with kisses.  The veil is thin, my sweet.

You are adored, cherished, held dear.  Your little, magnificent life has left a beautiful impression on so many hearts.

Until Forever, 

Mommy xoxo

                                    Please leave me a comment; it lets me know you're listening!

Rolling With the Punches

"Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak."
~Chris Tomlin

I love this song.  Words that remind us of One who is greater than our troubles, a refuge we can run to.  I have to admit though, some doubt has made me challenge these words the last few weeks.

In the midst of keeping up with busy schedules, work, school, and travels and holidays on the horizon, we were thrown for a loop.  I started having some health problems.  Exams and test results came back concerning, and after seeing a specialist I was told I could be having a blood clotting problem, or it could be cancer. 

What?!?  Even as much as I have been learning about having faith, I was shouting at Heaven.  Surely, I thought, God would not do this to us right now.  We are still picking up the pieces from losing our daughter.  My husband and kids need me to be there for them right now.  He wouldn't let us get kicked when we're down, right?!  He promises not to give us more than we can handle.  I'm not sure I believed that right then. 

As the day neared for a procedure to take biopsies, I was wrestling.  I could see the fear in Mark's eyes, and all I could do was avoid talking about it, trying to ignore what we might need to face.  I was washed with guilt... surely my friend who lost her daughter didn't think she would also have to say goodbye to her husband and raise her remaining children in the thick of so much grief... and here I am complaining.  God never said we would go through something hard and then get a free pass from any more heartache.  In fact, He said in this world we WILL have trouble... but the promise in that is He has overcome the world.  That is a powerful promise, but still difficult for me to cling to when I felt so much fear.

As I felt myself begin to doze under the anesthesia, my only prayer was "God, please."

The news is outstanding.... NO cancer, NO clotting.  It is so much easier for me to praise right now than it was for me to trust.  But God promises to use even a LITTLE faith, so I guess He's not done with me yet:) 

We are breathing a huge sigh of relief and trying to teach ourselves that no matter what comes our way, we are more than conquerors.  We will continue to forge a path through the wreckage, one step at a time.

Please leave me a comment; it lets me know you're listening!

The Love of my Life

This week Mark and I are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. A whole Decade. Wow.

Are there people who thought we would never make it? Most certainly. Were there times that nearly broke us apart? You betcha. But the thing is, when God looks on something and says it is good, IT IS GOOD. We have been continually molded and shaped and taught how to love each other and rise above the hurdles that are thrown in our path. In spite of every attempt the enemy has made, God's hand has faithfully been on our lives, pointing to the beautiful purpose that He is fufilling through our love.

So 10 years later through the raw grit of life, I have a greater love and understanding of the man that I chose to spend every day of my life with...

10 Things I Love About Mark...

1) He still kisses me goodnight, even when he *thinks* I am sleeping.

2) He is not afraid to show his tears.

3) He always makes time for our children.

4) He kills all the spiders.

5) He supports me and helps me reach my goals.

6) He is "better than me" at driving the babysitters home.

7) He makes sure our girls know they are beautiful-- inside and out.

8) He is SO patient.

9) He is a darn good cook.

10) He is the glue that has held us together through some of the hardest days of our lives.

Celebrate with us. God has chosen something impossible and made it something beautiful, and we hope that we will be a reflection of that promise of healing to anyone who sees us.

Happy Anniversary Buddy!!!