Sunday, May 13, 2012

This Time

Dear Ellianna,

This Mothers' Day I stood in line with all the little kids buying flowers for their mommies, but this time it was me that was buying flowers for my little girl.  Soft pink petals that remind me of the perfectly delicate details of you.

This Mothers' Day I stood at the marble stone and felt disbelief again that I was looking at your name spelled out in those sharp copper letters. 

I pondered how motherhood has changed for me this year.  How I have learned to savor the small moments and take in every small step... how I've learned that each lullaby could be the last, and the pleas for just ONE more book, or tickle, or kiss should be eagerly answered with all the passion one can fit into a moment.

I sat and let myself feel that hollow, empty canyon in my heart that has been echoing my cries ever since I had to watch you go.   I remembered how it felt to hold you close to me and sprinkle your sweet cheeks with kisses.

This Mothers' Day I knew I was different... that I have tread in an apalling darkness that no Mommy should ever have to face.  I longed to hold you again, to watch you grow, to get to be your Mommy for even one more day. 

This Mothers' Day I love you more than ever, I miss you desperately, and I am thanking God that my life was blessed with such a precious and special little girl.

Until We Meet Again,


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Thursday, May 10, 2012

From the Beginning

Since there have been so many people visiting my blog  (some 8500 recently), I added a link to give a little background of where I'm coming from... so the newcomers can hear the story behind my ramblings. 

You can read this "introduction" by clicking on the link at the top of my page, The Story of Ellianna Grace.

I am really thankful for all the kindred spirits that have stuck with me and let me bare my heart during this season... it has been really helpful for me.  So...

Thank you!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Speaking of Miracles

I was talking with a friend about God "showing up," and I stated that He doesn't give me miracles.  Maybe that's because I pray for too many of them... but I'm not one of those people who always has breath taking stories of how He showed up in the darkest hour and did what no one thought was possible. 

Then my thoughts shifted... as if He wanted me to remember... and be thankful.  We DID have a miracle... and still are living it... For those of you who didn't know.....

At a confusing and unstable time in my life, I met my love. 

We "tied the knot".

We became parents.

We focused on our son, on our jobs.  We grew our family bigger.

  We accomplished what needed to be done in a day, and called it successful. 

Then at some point, we stopped and looked around.  We realized we weren't connected.

 We listened to lies that told us we were entitled to more, that we had been ripped off.  We lived selfishly.

We lost sight of what was important.

I was not willing to fight.  I believed the lie that I should throw it all away.  I hurt everyone around me.  I ended up alone.

Mark stood by.  He prayed.  He fought.  He held all the pieces and hoped I would choose to glue them back together. 

I'm still not quite sure why or how it happened.  We didn't have support.  We were in a terribly negative environment... but somehow hearts softened, ears opened, and the marriage which so hastily fell together and back apart began a transformation into something beautiful. 

Forgiveness.  Grace.  Redemption. 

And THAT is a miracle.

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