Monday, February 18, 2013

Things on Sticks

I know there are many anti-Valentine's Day folks out there... for various reasons.

I like this special day, not so much for all the mushy him and her stuff, but because it gives me an extra special day to celebrate my LITTLE loves.  I enjoy their sleepy smiles when they stumble in to find a little gift wrapped in red tissue paper, topped with a sugary treat.  It is satifying to see the awe on their faces when they see that I can make pancakes turn pink, or create eggs in the shape of a heart.  They are my little Valentines, and I love reminding them just how full my heart is because of them.

There came a day though last week when Valentine's made me feel sick.  The day I wandered through the store picking that special little treat for each of my sweeties. 

I absently stumbled upon the baby section of the store and stopped right in front of a tiny white dress sprinkled with the brightest pink butterflies.  A year and a half since I have held her, and my first thought was, "Perfect!  That's what I will get for Ellianna."  And then it hit me like a belly full of concrete.  She is gone.  I don't get to pick a special Valentine surprise for her.  The only things I get to buy for this little girl are things on sticks.

A frosted flower, a flapping butterfly, a wooden heart...  things on a stick that can be stuck in the cold metal vase that sits atop her grave.  That's it, and it makes me so sad.



I miss that I don't get to remind her I'm thinking of her with a special treat or a new hair bow.  I miss knowing to buy her favorite color, and what size she would need.  I miss getting to tie a red bow in her hair, and staying up late to cut her sandwich in the shape of a heart.

Mostly though, I miss getting to hold her and tell her how much I love her.  So Jesus, hold my heart... until someday again I get to hold... my Chubby Little Pumpkin.


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