While some days I'm overwhelmed, it has gotten incrementally better.... I am no longer paralyzed by fear while driving... I can let the kids go out to play... I can accept that it's ok to just get through one thing at a time, and experience the peace that comes from having to trust. I sure have lost some filters to my lens though. I never used to focus on what could go wrong, but now I find myself seeing the flip side of many situations and preparing to brace myself if I should need to. It is a huge journey of faith. Faith deeper than I have ever known. Deep enough that I will never lose hold of something to grasp for. Faith that will bring me to healing no matter what I go through. It challenges me daily.
I have been scrolling through some pictures... pictures that a bystander might oooh and ahhh over... happy times, memorable events, remarkable firsts... and that's the thing... now I see how many lasts there were. You don't take most pictures thinking "this will be the last time." ---Unless of course it's a last tooth lost or a last game of the season. You don't take pictures thinking "this is the last time I held my child," or "this is the last smile she ever gave me." And what if we had known? It wouldn't have made it better, it would have changed the smiles and the glittering eyes. They would look like the most painful and forced happiness... such as in the photo of the time I really knew "This is the last time."
|The last time we held Ellianna alive.|
|The last time she held hands with her Daddy.|
There is already coming a day when our hope is greater than our fear. We can look back and see how it has progressed. It doen't mean we have arrived... we need your continued prayers for peace and healing in place of fear. Ellianna's death has not fit neatly into a "folder" of our lives... it has scattered pages throughout and will leave marks scribbled across pages for the rest of our days. We can only do the best we know how to grieve and grow and become deeper and more grateful for the hope we are chasing. Ever so slowly the blooms grow back, and we learn to let ourselves fall, arms oustretched into the deep of healing and beauty and rest that has been promised us. Here's to believing that day will come....
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