Letting my sweet baby boy suck some icing off my finger this week, I got bitten by the edgy rough of a very first tooth. My heart swelled with joy at this next new milestone and the thought of the new discoveries it will bring... and then just as fast, my heart throbbed, bleeding from shards of guilt at enjoying this moment. A milestone I never got to see... and it felt like I replaced it, and it didn't seem fair.
So many moments, stolen by the sharp sting of the real.
Death, where is your sting after all?
The sting is when the muscles of my arms remember what it felt like to hold her.
The sting is when I see a little girl her age running around with pigtails bouncing behind her.
The sting is when I dream of holding her and kissing her cheeks, only to wake up to realize she is not here.
The sting is when no one mentions her anymore, and the only time I see her is on the background of my phone.
The sting is when I look at a picture of her and her features seem unfamiliar because it has been too long.
The sting is when I see the beautiful green I chose for a bedroom she doesn't sleep in anymore.
The sting is everywhere, and it is just as hot and sharp every time.
I am ready; ready for the sting to be soothed and the moments to be sweetly savored. For joys to be embraced, never stolen.
Until that day my hope holds on, though by a string.
Please leave me a comment; it lets me know you're listening!
Coming soon... Losing Control: The battle I am facing
Oh Hannah I am so sorry my heart breaks for you I pray that you will find comfort and peace!
ReplyDeleteLarisa
My heart aches for you and the pain you feel. I can only imagine how hot that sting is and the battle it creates within your heart. While you still mourn for yourl little girl, don't feel guilty for enjoying your sweet little guy. I pray you never forget the Angel you held, her features, her unconditional love for you and you for her, I pray that you always keep her memory within your heart. However, I also pray that you can find peace and hope that the pain will subside. I pray that the joy you find with your the four beautiful children you hold in your arms is not replaced with the pain you feel for the Angel you hold within you heart.
ReplyDeleteLindsay
These pictures of Ellianna are so beautiful, and the mommy/daughter pictures are so precious! I haven't had the JOY and Wonder of another grandchild after Delainey went to Heaven last October 16. I would be so delighted to have another. Although, I can understand missing all the little things you are now experiencing with Colby that you didn't have with Ellie. I, too, feel pain in my heart when I see a little girl about the age Delainey would be now. You're so right, it stings awful. Yet, the joy of seeing each little one fills my heart with joy, and I want to tell their mother or father to please enjoy every single moment with them. We will never stop missing our girls. I do like to hear her name. I want to remember all the wonderful things about her. Thankfully, we have lots of pictures of her 23 months. There are the memories of her 24/7 care and that ever present fear that she could be taken from us at any moment. I love how you take your kids to the cemetery and let them remember her and that Colby will grow up knowing his big sister. I pray that God holds you close to Him and that you feel His presence wherein lies such great comfort, peace and strength. We are so privileged for having these beautiful angels, Ellie and Delainey, in our lives. I've known so much love and joy, It goes way down deep in my soul to live forevermore. Love, Sue
ReplyDelete