Those of you close to my story know the last few weeks have been very painful. I have never thought life needs to be perfect to be wonderful, but there are some times the pain is so heavy, so deep, every breath takes effort.
Disheartened, worn, clinging by strings of faith, it took a quiet sunless drive for me to cry out aloud for mercy. Convictions of where I could improve tapped at my heart, and my immense desire to live a legacy worth remembering pulled at the weight of my soul.
That was the night I cried for presence. At the very desperation of clinging to hope, I needed to know that there was indeed a reason for this suffering, a purpose in the raw scraping of my heart, a confidence that yes, God is real and giving Him my all and enduring the wait of healing was what He really desired for me. I begged aloud that I would see a sign that would give me the push to keep on in this blind and treacherous marathon to store up my treasures in Heaven. I felt like I was losing, being mocked at my attempts. I longed to know there was purpose for all this pain.
Two days later, things came crashing down again. The deeper I dug, the more trials clawed at our foundation. Our dreams of adding to our family collapsed. Our marriage pulled thin. There was disharmony in our children, and another joy-shattering loss slammed us in the chest.
My white flag flew. Tears burned hot scars of defeat across my face and my soul.
In the midst of my deep dispair, there was my man smiling and turning my eyes up.
"Don't you see?" "This IS the answer!"
His voice so gentle, heart so pure, spoke of how our strength is a threat. A powerful threat to the darkness that thirsts to destroy us. The closer we walk, the faster the punches come, trying to end us.
At first, this seemed motivation to throw up my hands, give up my hope. I would be lying if I said those thoughts were not seriously entertained in my mind. In the end though, I had to admit I'm a fighter, and for a reason that good to fight, I'm going to remain gloved-up. The heartache is painful, the blows discouraging, but with my mighty soulmate and the ever-cheering teammates beside us, it is a race worth running.
I have come to know life is filled with pain, but it is making the joys even more worth celebrating.
I'm sure there will be more days of being face-down, but I am thankful and blessed that my loves and my friendlies will always be willing to pick me back up and point me back on my way.
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