Letters to Ellie

My Sweet Ellianna Grace,

We never imagined we would not have you here for your very first Christmas.  It saddens our hearts to see your stocking hanging empty, and to know there will be no rushing in to scoop you out of your crib on Christmas morning. 

I try to imagine what is must be like in Heaven... are the angels bustling around preparing for a big celebration?  Are there Christmas carols and sounds of bells?  Is everyone still whispering about the little baby Jesus and what He did for us all those years ago?

I hope that you are held close by your new friends, and that your brother is lovingly showing you the way around.

As we gather to celebrate a Celestial Birthday, you will see a space among us... a space where you will never be far from our thoughts... a tiny purple Christmas tree adorned with sweet memories of you.  There will be tears in your absence, and there will be joy when we think of you dancing near that sea of glass.. a gift no one can top with wrapping and bow.

We will be giving thanks for the blessing of 4 1/2 months here graced with your presence, and for the ways we have grown and the things we have learned. 

Missing you dearly, loving you deeply, and waiting for the day I will hold you again.

All My Love,

Mommy

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A Bit of Cheer

We wanted to share something special with you that has been a blessing to us this month...

A few weeks ago we found two large boxes on our doorstep.  We dragged them inside, eager to see who they were from.  Inside was a letter addressed to us from Amanda the Panda.  It said this was a Holiday Cheer box, sent to us because a guardian angel had contacted them on our behalf.  Amanda the Panda is an organization that reaches out to families who have lost a loved one.  Inside the boxes were twenty-five wrapped gifts, one for each day until Christmas, to bring a smile on days that undoubtedly will be some of the most difficult. 

The first gift was for all of us.  An Amaryllis bulb.  A beautiful red flower with a single lonely stalk that with a little loving care will bloom year after year.  We tenderly tucked the bulb into its pot of soil and are anticipating the beauty of Ellianna's Amaryllis when it blooms in a few weeks. 

Every morning after our advent devotion, the kids dash to see whose turn it is to open the gift for that day.  Smiles and cheers erupt, and for a moment there is a sparkle on faces that have been worn by frequent tears. 

People shrug and say children are resilient, they will be fine.  I disagree.  Children are wounded just as much as adults.  We spend many nights holding tiny hands, rocking small bodies wracked with tears and heartache as they try to mend the pain of their sister being torn from their lives.  It is a long and very painful road, which makes moments of joy and laughter mean all the more to us.  We are deeply grateful to all the people that had a part in bringing us some much needed cheer and something to look forward to on some of the hardest of days.

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Rolling With the Punches

"Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak."
~Chris Tomlin

I love this song.  Words that remind us of One who is greater than our troubles, a refuge we can run to.  I have to admit though, some doubt has made me challenge these words the last few weeks.

In the midst of keeping up with busy schedules, work, school, and travels and holidays on the horizon, we were thrown for a loop.  I started having some health problems.  Exams and test results came back concerning, and after seeing a specialist I was told I could be having a blood clotting problem, or it could be cancer. 

What?!?  Even as much as I have been learning about having faith, I was shouting at Heaven.  Surely, I thought, God would not do this to us right now.  We are still picking up the pieces from losing our daughter.  My husband and kids need me to be there for them right now.  He wouldn't let us get kicked when we're down, right?!  He promises not to give us more than we can handle.  I'm not sure I believed that right then. 

As the day neared for a procedure to take biopsies, I was wrestling.  I could see the fear in Mark's eyes, and all I could do was avoid talking about it, trying to ignore what we might need to face.  I was washed with guilt... surely my friend who lost her daughter didn't think she would also have to say goodbye to her husband and raise her remaining children in the thick of so much grief... and here I am complaining.  God never said we would go through something hard and then get a free pass from any more heartache.  In fact, He said in this world we WILL have trouble... but the promise in that is He has overcome the world.  That is a powerful promise, but still difficult for me to cling to when I felt so much fear.

As I felt myself begin to doze under the anesthesia, my only prayer was "God, please."

The news is outstanding.... NO cancer, NO clotting.  It is so much easier for me to praise right now than it was for me to trust.  But God promises to use even a LITTLE faith, so I guess He's not done with me yet:) 

We are breathing a huge sigh of relief and trying to teach ourselves that no matter what comes our way, we are more than conquerors.  We will continue to forge a path through the wreckage, one step at a time.

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That Ellie-Shaped Hole

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's... One thing these special days have always had in common for us is family.  A time to be together with the ones you love the most; to enjoy each other's company, and share in each other's joy.  Only this year, these days will reverberate echos of sadness as we try not to keep staring at the empty chair among us. 

Frankly, I would be content to just fast-forward through the holidays this year.  Better yet, rewind to this time last year when Ellianna was snuggled safe and secure inside my womb... before she felt any pain, and before we knew the pain of losing her.  How about a re-do?  I'm sure I could fight harder for her this time.  Unfortunately, that is not a reality.  I must try to find peace in knowing her pain is gone and she is whole once more.

What will it be like to have Thanksgiving dinner uninterupted by the needs of our 8 month old?  Will we be able to hold back the tears at the sight of a lone, empty stocking hanging between ours?  As we count down to a brand new year, will we be able to look past the agony of knowing she will not be here to celebrate her birthday?  Most of all, will there come a day when it no longer feels like our hearts are shattered beyond repair?  Because we choose hope and we know faith, the answer is yes.  Healing will come.  For this season though, the pain is immeasurable.  It's hard to feel joy and it's hard to give cheer.  We are clinging to each other, taking one day at a time... bracing ourselves against the storm.  Aching from the deepest places within us to not see our beautiful little girl in that empty chair.

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The Love of my Life

This week Mark and I are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. A whole Decade. Wow.

Are there people who thought we would never make it? Most certainly. Were there times that nearly broke us apart? You betcha. But the thing is, when God looks on something and says it is good, IT IS GOOD. We have been continually molded and shaped and taught how to love each other and rise above the hurdles that are thrown in our path. In spite of every attempt the enemy has made, God's hand has faithfully been on our lives, pointing to the beautiful purpose that He is fufilling through our love.

So 10 years later through the raw grit of life, I have a greater love and understanding of the man that I chose to spend every day of my life with...

10 Things I Love About Mark...

1) He still kisses me goodnight, even when he *thinks* I am sleeping.

2) He is not afraid to show his tears.

3) He always makes time for our children.

4) He kills all the spiders.

5) He supports me and helps me reach my goals.

6) He is "better than me" at driving the babysitters home.

7) He makes sure our girls know they are beautiful-- inside and out.

8) He is SO patient.

9) He is a darn good cook.

10) He is the glue that has held us together through some of the hardest days of our lives.

Celebrate with us. God has chosen something impossible and made it something beautiful, and we hope that we will be a reflection of that promise of healing to anyone who sees us.

Happy Anniversary Buddy!!!

Good Things

In all the hurt and uncertainty... good things are happening.... This week marks the first steps in some important journeys for our family...

Please remember us in your prayers this week... pray we will stay focused and working as a team... that we will make it to all of our appointments with as little stress as possible... that we will be protected from negative thoughts... that we will be rested. That God will do great things in us and through us. We believe...

From the Mouths of Babes

"From the mouths of infants and children, You have created praise."

Matthew 21:16

Morning time holds a special time of prayer for the kids and I.    It began as me praying for them each morning while they listened. Now it soothes my heart to see how they are learning to pray and growing in their own understanding of who God is. They are so simple and honest... many of us adults can learn from the humble prayers of a child. How often we get concerned whether we are using the right words or making our prayers sound good, and yet it is the words of the children we know are close to the heart of God. I want to share some of the things these precious little souls are praying for... and hope they make your heart smile like mine.

"Please hold Ellianna in Your lap in Heaven and keep her safe" -Jacob

"Please help Mommy not be afraid" -Baylie

"Help me to have a happy heart today" -Bella

"Please help those Angel Guards keep Satan out of Heaven" -Jacob

"Please let Ellie see your rainbow horse" -Baylie

"Help me do my best and not listen to lies" -Jacob

"I hope Ellie is having fun with you in Heaven" -Bella

"Help our friend to believe in You" -Baylie

These simple and heartfelt conversations show me the trust and faith that is molding their lives and giving them hope... and it encourages me to hold tight to my own.

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