A Lot of Dimes

Some time has passed, but I have been wanting to say thank you to those of you who were part of something big for us.

April 28th, our family joined many others to walk in the March for Babies for the March of Dimes.  We were surrounded by families whose lives have been changed by having or knowing a premature baby, and the goal was to raise money and awareness to help these tiny babies grow strong and have the resourses they need to overcome their many challenges.

With the generous help of many friends and family members, we raised $1800 for this cause.  Thank you.  We are so honored by each of you who came alongside us.

Our team was one of the biggest there that day.  You could easily pick us out of the crowd in our bright green shirts. 


Team Hope & Grace

It was an emotional day... a march that represented the triumph of our bubbly little Isabella, and the heartache of losing Ellianna.

The Memorial Mile

Ellianna's name on the Memorial Mile

We walked arm in arm with family and friends, and made a stand for something dear to us... and if that makes a difference for even one tiny life, we have won. 

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This Time

Dear Ellianna,

This Mothers' Day I stood in line with all the little kids buying flowers for their mommies, but this time it was me that was buying flowers for my little girl.  Soft pink petals that remind me of the perfectly delicate details of you.

This Mothers' Day I stood at the marble stone and felt disbelief again that I was looking at your name spelled out in those sharp copper letters. 

I pondered how motherhood has changed for me this year.  How I have learned to savor the small moments and take in every small step... how I've learned that each lullaby could be the last, and the pleas for just ONE more book, or tickle, or kiss should be eagerly answered with all the passion one can fit into a moment.

I sat and let myself feel that hollow, empty canyon in my heart that has been echoing my cries ever since I had to watch you go.   I remembered how it felt to hold you close to me and sprinkle your sweet cheeks with kisses.

This Mothers' Day I knew I was different... that I have tread in an apalling darkness that no Mommy should ever have to face.  I longed to hold you again, to watch you grow, to get to be your Mommy for even one more day. 

This Mothers' Day I love you more than ever, I miss you desperately, and I am thanking God that my life was blessed with such a precious and special little girl.

Until We Meet Again,

Mommy

xoxo

                        

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From the Beginning

Since there have been so many people visiting my blog  (some 8500 recently), I added a link to give a little background of where I'm coming from... so the newcomers can hear the story behind my ramblings. 

You can read this "introduction" by clicking on the link at the top of my page, The Story of Ellianna Grace.

I am really thankful for all the kindred spirits that have stuck with me and let me bare my heart during this season... it has been really helpful for me.  So...

Thank you!

Speaking of Miracles

I was talking with a friend about God "showing up," and I stated that He doesn't give me miracles.  Maybe that's because I pray for too many of them... but I'm not one of those people who always has breath taking stories of how He showed up in the darkest hour and did what no one thought was possible. 

Then my thoughts shifted... as if He wanted me to remember... and be thankful.  We DID have a miracle... and still are living it... For those of you who didn't know.....

At a confusing and unstable time in my life, I met my love. 

We "tied the knot".

We became parents.

We focused on our son, on our jobs.  We grew our family bigger.

  We accomplished what needed to be done in a day, and called it successful. 

Then at some point, we stopped and looked around.  We realized we weren't connected.

 We listened to lies that told us we were entitled to more, that we had been ripped off.  We lived selfishly.

We lost sight of what was important.

  

I was not willing to fight.  I believed the lie that I should throw it all away.  I hurt everyone around me.  I ended up alone.



Mark stood by.  He prayed.  He fought.  He held all the pieces and hoped I would choose to glue them back together. 



I'm still not quite sure why or how it happened.  We didn't have support.  We were in a terribly negative environment... but somehow hearts softened, ears opened, and the marriage which so hastily fell together and back apart began a transformation into something beautiful. 

Forgiveness.  Grace.  Redemption. 

And THAT is a miracle.

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Snapshots of Hope

In the long blur of months that have been riddled with pain and questions, we have been seeking.  Seeking to know where we go from here; wanting to know where we are being led. 

Suddenly, after what has seemed an eternal and deafening silence, He spoke.  He is leading with more deliberate guidance than I have ever experienced, and there is peace that confirms His hand in our lives.

This photo was taken by a precious lady who is a blogger friend of mine.... this simple phrase hanging in a hospital gift shop spoke to her heart, and she used it to speak to mine.  I love it when even the smallest things are placed in just the right moment of our lives to bring encouragement and hope.

http://lovealwaysleavesamark.blogspot.com/2012/03/being-brave.html

Someday soon, the rest of the story.  For now, please pray that we will continue to hear God's voice and He will protect, heal, and use us on this journey we are embarking on.

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Marching On

After our experience of having two little girls born prematurely, we have become aware of the need for continued research and development of the medical care that helps these tiny little miracles survive. After having two very different journeys through the NICU, our desire has grown to help other babies like ours have every opportunity they can to be healthy and thrive.

As a family, we have decided to participate in the March of Dimes March for Babies this year in memory of Ellianna, and in support of Isabella, who is our proof of miracles. March of Dimes provides the majority of funding to many NICU's to have the equipment, experience, and capabilities that they have to provide care to teeny little babies that otherwise would not live.

Bella and Ellie

We have two requests...

The first is that if you are in the local area, and would like to join our family for the 5 mile walk on April 28th, please visit our web page and join as a team member. We would love the company of anyone who would like to participate.

In addition, or if you don't live nearby, we would encourage you to make a monetary donation to support our team and help us raise this important funding. You can give a little, or give a lot; every bit helps provide care for preemies. There is an area on our web page where you can give donations.

Below is the link you can follow or copy and paste to get to the home page for our team, named Hope & Grace (the middle names of our two preemie girls).


                               http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1767390

Thank you so much for partnering with us to make a difference in something that is very dear to our hearts.

Ellianna holding Daddy's ring

Because miracles do happen...

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Lasts

This past weekend I got to witness one of the most precious events; my little brother making his vows to the woman of his dreams.  I loved the joy in the breeze, the glow of their happiness, and the adoration that spilled from their eyes when they looked at each other.  Then, while they eagerly repeated the words of lifelong commitment to each other, I was hit by the breath-stealing dark that has taken root in my soul.  "In plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."  I feel like when I spoke these words 10 years ago I agreed to them, but never grasped the thought that any of those things could come true.  My mind insisted things would continue to be light and joyful and filled with nothing but promise.  As Jamie and Daniel exchanged their vows, I found my mind racing.... what is going to happen?  Will one of them get sick?  Will tragedy strike?  Will they have to endure losing someone they love? Will they look back on the snapshots of today and think "if only we had known..."  I hate that that's how my mind turns now.  I hate the fear I have seeded deep, wondering what will knock us down next, and preparing for that battle.

While some days I'm overwhelmed, it has gotten incrementally better.... I am no longer paralyzed by fear while driving... I can let the kids go out to play... I can accept that it's ok to just get through one thing at a time, and experience the peace that comes from having to trust.  I sure have lost some filters to my lens though.  I never used to focus on what could go wrong, but now I find myself seeing the flip side of many situations and preparing to brace myself if I should need to.  It is a huge journey of faith.  Faith deeper than I have ever known.  Deep enough that I will never lose hold of something to grasp for.  Faith that will bring me to healing no matter what I go through.  It challenges me daily.

I have been scrolling through some pictures... pictures that a bystander might oooh and ahhh over... happy times, memorable events, remarkable firsts... and that's the thing... now I see how many lasts there were.  You don't take most pictures thinking "this will be the last time."  ---Unless of course it's a last tooth lost or a last game of the season.  You don't take pictures thinking "this is the last time I held my child," or "this is the last smile she ever gave me."  And what if we had known?  It wouldn't have made it better, it would have changed the smiles and the glittering eyes.  They would look like the most painful and forced happiness... such as in the photo of the time I really knew "This is the last time."

The last time we held Ellianna alive.

The last time she held hands with her Daddy.

Last.

There is already coming a day when our hope is greater than our fear.  We can look back and see how it has progressed.  It doen't mean we have arrived... we need your continued prayers for peace and healing in place of fear.  Ellianna's death has not fit neatly into a "folder" of our lives... it has scattered pages throughout and will leave marks scribbled across pages for the rest of our days. We can only do the best we know how to grieve and grow and become deeper and more grateful for the hope we are chasing.   Ever so slowly the blooms grow back, and we learn to let ourselves fall, arms oustretched into the deep of healing and beauty and rest that has been promised us.  Here's to believing that day will come....

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