Ellianna's birthday was hard because I was thinking about what could have been, and what will never be.
The anniversary of her death is excruciating because I'm reliving every moment from these days a year ago. I'm reliving them without that fog that socked me in last July, and the clarity is unbearable.
I am remembering that choice we made, and I'm thinking, "what in the world were we thinking?!" We said no more. After CPR revived her twice, we were afraid she would die surrounded by strangers, crushed by pain. We said no more so that we could hold her while she took her last breath. What if that wasn't the end though? Little Bowen Hammitt was gone for 45 minutes... and they kept on working... and now he is almost two. Could that have been us?
I wish we had never had to make that choice, and I will never know if it was the right one.
Tomorrow we try to celebrate... one year of paradise for our little girl. I wish we had just a little of that paradise down here. This place is trying to crush my faith.
Please leave me a comment; it lets me know you're listening!